I'm not a bad person!
My head really hurts today from some mental exertions and unintentional mobilisation efforts I impulsively started (trying to convince my friends to move from WApp to Signal). I regret some parts with great fervour. Even though I was prepared for the pushback, it still felt horrible and like I was going to die. I’m not being dramatic, it’s merely an expression: I absolutely was not going to die and I knew it then as I know it now. But it felt that way.
All the shoulds have arrived of course. Should have used better words. Should have been more diplomatic. Should have spent more time preparing them. Should not have sounded like a dictator which is another version of should have been diplomatic and open and curious – but I’m going to give it its own word count because why not be extra mean to myself when it’s so fun! (It’s not.)
Anyway the point of my very long intro is: I had a really shitty day yesterday.
I’m writing because I want to highlight this one part of the day where I let the car from Somewhere Rd cut in front of me (– grammar, whatever, I hope that’s clear) and I got a nice little wave in return as he joined the looooong line heading south.
Before I left the house, I received a very grounding voice note from a friend. She basically told me to breathe and how slowly I should do it and it was just so kind and I really believe it’s the reason I found some kindness or common humanity in me, in spite of my very shitty day, to let that one car go before me.
The wave of thanks really meant everything to me. I needed a reminder that imperfect as I am in how I do things, I’m really not a bad person.
Positive Freedom
Most clearly, a conception of freedom and liberty that is solely negative leaves out the possibilities of positive liberty. Positive liberty is, “the possibility of acting in such a way as to take control of one’s life and realize one’s fundamental purposes.” When we celebrate the idea of freedom only as the absence of constraints, we leave out the possibility of building a society where people really have control of their lives, both as individuals and as a collective.
I have been searching for a Pinterest alternative. Happy to have discovered Are.na!
I am very grumpy. Mostly about DRM.
A pause and a breath.
When the three factors-concentration, mindfulness and equanimity are present, the operating mode of the mind shifts significantly. The mind becomes more buoyant, less “stuck” on an experience, and more adept at shifting attention from moment to moment. In addition, the mind is more tranquil and workable, more disciplined, more capable of seeing events without the burden of self-centeredness.
from The Comparing Mind
Broken streak
It’s really trivial but my exercise streak is no more and I’m sad about it. I had the weirdest day yesterday — head spinning, throbbing, nausea, felt clammy — so had no choice but to hide in the bedroom with all the blinds drawn. The whole day was spent horizontal and it seems I really needed it.
Today is much better but I don’t feel ready to resume the same level of activity yet. I want to highlight that this is me, listening to my body, practicing self-compassion and reminding myself that broken streaks can be mended*. I can bounce back. I’ve done it before and I can do it again.
I wish my inner critics from the past, all a little out of date and unaware of the newer and kinder and more capable version of myself, sit and watch for a change. Not be too loud for a change.
From previous excavations, I know I can’t banish these parts of me. I also don’t want to.
It’s a bright, grey day. Diffused light always makes me feel like my edges are blurred.
*Can I please get a point for self-compassion? Is my Apple Watch keeping track?
But when it comes to addressing the problems we face, no amount of posting or passive info consumption is going to substitute the hard, unsexy work of organizing.
Organising is hard because it requires vulnerability and openness as well as non-attachment to outcomes.
I have to start thinking about autumn jobs, dahlia jobs (it’s its own category), and garden finance jobs. I overspent last spring and I really do not want a repeat of that. I’m hoping it proves to be a limitation that inspires creativity as well as honesty in terms of what I have capacity to grow.
